jump to navigation

The more things change, the more they stay the same March 9, 2010

Posted by Summerspeaker in Feminism.
trackback

Way back in the 1890s, feminist anarchist Voltairine de Cleyre condemned marriage as an oppressive institution enabling rape. Today, in 2010, we have marriage coach John Wilder saying that’s how it should be. He asserts that allowing wives to decide when to have sex with their husbands would be terribly unfair to the poor men. I can only assume he pushes these views on the unfortunate couples who come to him for help. The patriarchy is a global human rights crisis, folks. So many women experience sexual coercion on a daily basis. It’s not limited to old religious dudes and marriage, either; as in de Cleyre’s lecture, I know supposed anarchists who practice the same abuses.  In our goal of creating a better world, we transhumanists must take this issue seriously.

Advertisements

Comments»

1. marriagecoach1 - March 9, 2010

What the hell is a transhumanist? I routinely deal with couples whose husbands complain about lack of sex. In fact 60% of women have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. There is no coercion. Women just out and out deny their husbands sex at will.

The dictionary defines unfaithful as also not just cheating on a spouse but not fulfilling the vows to give sex. Feminists advocate that the woman should be able to refuse sex any time that she wants and yet they claim to advocate for equality. Equality is represented by a husband having a night on and the wife having a night off. Feminists don’t want equality, they want absolute dominance.

Thankfully many women are rejecting feminist philosophy. In fact their magazine Ms is such a non factor that their circulatioin is only 150,000. Their editorial content is so minimal that they only publish quarterly. They long ago went bankrupt because they can’t attract advertisers or subscribers. The magazine that follows Ms, The Writer’s Market is Redbook with over 5,00,0000 subscribers

2. Summerspeaker - March 9, 2010

John, nobody starves from lack of sex. Dudes, married or otherwise, aren’t entitled to female bodies. Every human being on the planet has the right to deny sex at will. That’s fundamental. The ideology you preach harms countless women each day. You contribute to the oppression of millions.

3. marriagecoach1 - March 9, 2010

The bible states that the husband does not own his own body but the wife and the wife does not own the her own body but the husband. I Cor 7.
The woman violates her vow that the husband can have and hold her (euphemism for sex). She took a vow.

Feminists don’t want equality they want absolute dominance. If you love someone, you take care of their needs. Just like a mother who gets up at 2 am exhausted to breast feed her baby. By your statement, she should have the right to sleep in and feed the baby whenever she feels like it.

A man’s sex drive is similar to a pregnant woman’s need to pee because the baby is pressing on her bladder. How about if a pregnant woman is in a car on a long trip with her husband and she asks him to pull over so she can pee. Now lets reverse roles herre for a second and the husband answers the wife’s need to pee like so many women talk to men; “What, you have to pee again, is that all you ever think about is peeing?” What are you some kind of peeing pervert? I don’t feel like pulling over, leave me alone, maybe I will pull over tomorrow so you can pee.

I am not saying that a man has a right to take it, it should be offered willingly and lovingly by the wife. I don’t believe that any woman should be forced to have sex against her will, I have a huge problem with women who are completely comfortable DENYING MEN SEX AGAINST HIS WILL. Every time that you force a man to masturbate alone, it breeds resentment towards the woman. You feminists scream bloody murder about porno, but men use porno as a masturbation aid the same way that women use romance novels.

You don’t want equality, you want ABSOLUTE DOMINANCE!

4. Summerspeaker - March 9, 2010

We do want absolute dominance in the sense of personal sovereignty. Nothing less will satisfy. To quote Voltairine de Cleyre, “We demand our bodies, now.”

5. marriagecoach1 - March 9, 2010

You are fighting a losing battle. Thankfully, most women eschew the title of feminist. You are becoming increasingly irrelevant. You can keep your body. If you love someone, you don’t deny them, you lovingly take care of their needs instead of standing on a soapbox demanding your right to deny your loved one a legitimate need. Argue with Maslow in his hierarchies of needs that sex is not a need. You come across as very self centered and narcisissitic not like a loving partner.

6. femspotter - March 10, 2010

I’m a feminist, I love sex with men, I love sex with my husband, neither he nor I are “starving” from lack of sex, and I wish the same for others. Men who feel they are suffering should turn to their five-fingered friend and feel empowered to talk to their wives about sexuality. And yes, women have the right to say “no,” even when married.

Thankfully, most women eschew the title of feminist. You are becoming increasingly irrelevant.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don’t know what you are talking about here, marriagecoach1. Many women in healthy hetero relationships like myself still subscribe to feminism. It is always relevant. Consider the fact that after 82 years of Oscar, a woman has only just won said award for directing a major motion picture. Consider the fact that rape and violence against women is still happening all over the globe; you don’t have to look just at Eastern Congo or Afghanistan, because male on female rape happens every day in the United States.

Feminists don’t want equality they want absolute dominance.
Okay, I’ve met one or two feminists who might agree with you; but on the whole, feminists just want choices like men have historically exercised.

Not all feminists believe that marriage is oppressive to females. Not all feminists engage in cock-blocking their husbands on principle.

marriagecoach1 - March 10, 2010

I am all for equal rights. We have resolved those issues through legislation. We also have wide spread misandry in our society. (reverse sexism by women against men). I am saying that if you love someone, you take care of their needs instead of standing on your rights to deny them. If you take care of your husband, I say more power to you. Women used to have it bad in our country and I would be the first to admit there were needed changes that needed to be made.

There used to be a need for feminists. Now the bulk of the remaining feminists are all a bunch of male bashers like Maureen Dowd of the NY Times writing a column explaining the only reasson that a woman needed a man was to be a sperm donor. I can give you many other examples of reverse sexism by women towards men. If you truly believe in equal rights, you will fight for men’s rights of eqaulity as well.

7. femspotter - March 10, 2010

We do want absolute dominance in the sense of personal sovereignty. Nothing less will satisfy.

Yes. In this application of dominance, I too want absolute dominance.

8. marriagecoach1 - March 10, 2010

And you shall have it at what price? Perhaps you want a Tiger Woods marriage or a Bill and Hillary marriage. Good luck with that. You can’t simultaneously tell a man no and expect him to be faithful. You get one or the other, you don’t get both. Or perhaps you don’t want a relationship with a man.

femspotter - March 11, 2010

You really negate your Bible-based argument by championing extra-marital affairs since that is also a Bible no no. Furthermore, pointing to the actions of Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton is highly problematic for your argument, since by your logic these men were not taken care of sexually by their wives but were subsequently not taken care of by their mistresses either, both men having engaged in multiple extramarital affairs.

I find it extremely unsettling that you claim to coach married couples but are entirely one-sided in your view. Rather than digging to find the root of why a married women might be abstaining from sexual intercourse with her husband, it seems to me that you simply tell her that she is a failed wife. If it were me in your presence, I would simply tell you to go f**k yourself because I have a backbone and a modicum of self-worth. But not all women do and many might say “okay” and then engage in uncomfortable sexuality with their husbands just to meet your standards of what constitutes wifely success. Never mind the fact that the wife might be suffering from depression, infection, discomfort due to a tumor or other internal growth, etc. that might make her body less interested in engaging in sex. Never mind that her husband might be a rough or inadequate lover.

You blanket statement that once a week or less is not often enough for sex is also highly problematic. I know many single men who aren’t engaging in sex that often and aren’t suffering for it. Furthermore, in any given relationship, there are multiple ways of achieving intimacy that don’t just result in orgasm but result in mutual feelings of love and trust: hand holding, snuggling, kissing, rubbing, etc. Every couple is different and communication between the two is ideal for finding a happy medium where both men AND women are sexually satisfied.

Finally, your assessment of feminism is truly inaccurate. Maureen Dowd is not representative to all feminists. I myself don’t read her column anymore because I have found it to lack insight. Instead, I do read the feminist column written by Nicholas Kristoff in the New York Times. You should check it out. Reading his words would show you that feminism is still a global necessity. Here’s a recent column where he discusses a 10-year-old Yemeni girl who was married and is now divorced. Certainly, you can’t expect her to take care of all of her husband’s needs.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/04/opinion/04kristof.html?em

9. marriagecoach1 - March 11, 2010

I don’t know how you get that I champion affairs. I don’t at all. I mention men having affairs because they don’t get their needs met at home. I explain but don’t condone extra marital affiairs.

If you become familiar with my work, I take on men as an eqaul opportunity spanker. Men have not learned how to give their wives spectacular sex. I explaiin it to them in my soon to be finished book. I take them on for their self centered approach to sex.

Dyspareunia or painful sex is something that I also take on in my book. A wife can take care of her husbands sexual needs in other ways besides intercourse.

My issue with feminists is their teachings to other women that they should only have sex when they feel like it. Studies indicate that 60% of women have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less. Feminists suggest that men should just masturbate. Every time you force a man to masturbate, you are building resentment towards the woman. If you love someone, you take care of their needs. Following your logic, a woman should only have to feed a baby and change it whenver she feels like it. I don’t believe that any woman should be forced to have sex against her will, I am deeply troubled with the ease and comfort so many women have in forcing their husbands TO DO WITHOUT SEX AGAINST HIS WILL!

I realize the need for feminism in other countries but in this country the prejudice has been taken care of by legislation. My other problem with feminism is the predominant man bashing and MISANDRY perpetuated in our society. You even see it in the commericals. The man is portrayed as this hapless boob who has once againg gotten himself and/or his family in trouble yet again. The “heroic woman” swoops in to save the day all the while tossing off condescending and sarcastic remarks to the husband.

The other problem that I have with femists is that they only seem to speak up for the politically correct women. Where were the feminists when Perez Hilton was calling Carrie Prejean a four letter C word?

Where were the feminists when the press was crucifying Sarah Palin?

femspotter - March 11, 2010

Thank you for the invitation to “become familiar with (your) work,” but I’m afraid you hold no credibility. For starters, your statements are ignorant and US-centric. Do you think that only Americans read what’s on the Internet? Furthermore, your reckless declarations that women have equal rights in the US are unfounded. Legislation has not taken care of equality: not with more than 20,000 untested rape kits at large in the US, one in every six American women being the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (RAINN) and horrific events like October’s 2-hour gang rape of a high school girl in San Francisco, CA still plaguing the country. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2009/10/28/2009-10-28_richmond_high_school_gang_rape_3_more_arrested_in_aftermath_of_horrific_attack_o.html Some women are still being denied choices with regard to their bodies in the US, sir. That is a FACT!

Your Bible manipulation to suit your claim that men should be serviced sexually by their wives is negated by the fact that you ignore other Biblical passages that prohibit adultery. You are trying to have it both ways, just as you accuse women of doing. (“You can’t simultaneously tell a man no and expect him to be faithful. You get one or the other, you don’t get both.”)

Many feminist bloggers, including myself have written extensively on Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean. We may disagree with each other but we are certainly addressing pop culture female figures that the likes of you would see as definitive of our kind.

I’m sorry you feel picked on by marketers and commercial producers. But try spending one day in the shoes of an American woman who, thanks to those same marketers and commercial producers, has an acceptable range of beauty as wide as her pinky finger. Having said that, I don’t deny the existence of misandry the way that you do American misogyny.

Finally, your assessment that my logic would preclude me from feeding or changing my baby except when I feel like it is misplaced and once again inaccurate. I don’t subscribe to your notion that women are sexually “starving” men without just cause. So my logic does not relate to any kind of starvation. Again, you lose credibility with this at best lazy and at worst incoherent rant.

10. femspotter - March 11, 2010

By the way, there’s a new sex robot on the market and she does and says whatever men want. I suggest you tell your sex-starved male clients who 1. do have consciences and 2. don’t want to have sex with women who don’t want to have sex with them or look for sex outside their marriages, to invest in one of these:
http://www.truecompanion.com/

Isn’t that what you want: robotic compliance without sacrificing female equality?

11. marriagecoach1 - March 11, 2010

You neglect that I take on men for being self centered about sex. The bible also says that men have an equal obligation to service their wives.

You see the other problem that I have with feminists is that they are reflexively incapable of admitting to any fault or wrong doing, it is all the evil man’s fault for which you give lip service to this misandry. I take on both men and women in correcting their faults and nurturing each other. Basically you have dismissed men’s claims entirely which is so consistent with feminbsts. You are obviously intelligent and well read as am I. I admit to faults on men’s part but you do not admit to fault on women’s part. Until we can admit to a problem, we are incapable of resolving the problem. You show utter lack of empathy to men’s problems. I think that we are at an impasse.

12. femspotter - March 11, 2010

No, I show a lack of empathy to men’s sexual starvation “problem.” I am a queer theory feminist and that means I want to eliminate the gender binary, which is an elimination beneficial to men. I am not a male basher by any stretch. You are preoccupied. Note that I mentioned my happy hetero marriage right off the bat. What faults would you like me to admit to? I can only admit to my own, however. I cannot speak for other feminists.

Do you concede that feminism is still a necessity in the US?

13. The Vegetating Vegan - March 28, 2010

“You see the other problem that I have with feminists is that they are reflexively incapable of admitting to any fault or wrong doing…”

Methinks Marriage Coach is not only painting with a wide brush but has a very shiny mirror too…

14. marriagecoach1 - March 28, 2010

You sent me a message that I lied about abortion. I asked you to explain to me how I lied and you ignored that and instead chose to throw out an ad hominem attack. I explained to you that mankind was omnivores and challenged you to explain your vegan lifestyle and again you conveniently ignored that and chose to throw out an attack

15. Isaac J. - March 30, 2010

Gender terms or distinctions will be irrelevant once a positive or negative Singularity happens. We mind as well discuss which hair color will hold value in the future.

16. Summerspeaker - March 31, 2010

Assuming the patriarchy as a present reality, I don’t see how superintelligence would necessarily make gender irrelevant. I hope the Singularity free us from all forms of oppression, but it’s no given. We have to direct the technology. Economic liberation for each and every human being would go a long way towards the goal, but I can still imagine harmful social hierarchies existing in such a society. Certain negative scenarios could even increase the subjugation of women. I want rape to stop now. I’m not comfortable leaving that to genies with yet-to-be-determined motivations.

17. John Wilder - March 31, 2010

I would concur that I too can’t and won’t tolerate rape. I am in no way advocating rape or forced sex. I am suggestingt that women give their men the love that they deserve. As long as women want to stand on their right to refuse their husband’s needs, we have subjugation.

As to being US centric, I wil admit to that. Even I don’t have a big enough ego to think that I can save the world. I do the best I can to try and save my part of it. I am not superman.

Gender is a fact of life. Stop trying to deny it like vegan man feeling good about himself because he is a vegetarian. By so doing he is denying thousands of years of evolution which makes us omnivores in a world of herbivores and carnivores. Bears are also omnivores. Would you keep a bear in captivity and only feed him vegetables? No it would be cruel and wrong.

I am not about to deny gender difference, but try to help couples make their genders work better for contributing to their partner. Would a woman deny her kids a hug when they need it or stand on their right to say they don’t feel like it now? That is of course a rhetorical question.; What makes women total sexists and misandrists is the fact that they demand the right to deny their men affection that they would not do to their children. Men get the bulk of their affectional needs met through sex with their wives. Like I said, women want absolute dominance.

An example, women sued the St Paul fire department because they claimed that the physical requirements precluded women. The requirements were designed to keep out weak men. It went all the way to the supreme court. Even though part of the fireman’s duty is to have the ability to pick up a 200 lb unconcisous man, throw him over their shoulder and run down a flight of stairs to save his life, the Supreme Court allowed for women to buddy up and have two women firefighters drag down the same man, now endangering 3 lives and oh by the way in spite of the equal pay for equal work shouted by women, it took two women to do one man’s job but they got paid the same as that one man. That is blatant sexism for political correctness sake. Like I said, total dominance.

18. John Wilder - March 31, 2010

PS I would remind you that the marriage vows state to have and to hold )euphemism for sex) as long as you both shall live until death do you part. It does not say anything about denying any time that you feel like it. If that is what you want, you need to re-write the marriage vows and state that you will only give your man sex when you feel like it and see how much approval that gets you at the marriage.

19. Cebus - April 23, 2010

If you allow for the fact that women love sex, and love sex with the men they’re in love with, then you shouldn’t be starved for sex unless you’re doing something wrong.

In the same way that it is completely unacceptable for a woman to try to own sex as leverage to get a man to do what she wants, it’s also unacceptable for a man to treat his wife like she’s simply a sexual object whose purpose is to please him. A lot more goes into sex than simply intercourse. There’s a lot of give/take in a relationship.

How often do men who complain about not getting enough sex give up enough time to have conversations with their wives, listen to their problems, and be an actual partner? Sex should be fun, exciting, fulfilling, and adventurous. If you aren’t doing what you can to make it those things, and it’s just a humping session before you go back to watching the game and being a boring slob, well, I can’t say I blame them.

That was definitely a one-sided criticism, but in the past I’ve found that any of the problems women give me could have been avoided if I was doing something differently or better. You can be respectful, egalitarian, and make compromises while still being the man. If she’s not wanting to have sex with you, it’s not because she doesn’t like sex, it’s because she doesn’t like having it with YOU.

20. marriagecoach1 - April 23, 2010

Cebus, you migjht be surprised but I agree wtih evetything that you have said and support and validate it except the last sentence.

All of you have been commenting on a micro basis and I am talking about a macro baseis. The sad fact is that men don’t force their wives to have sex with them, women force their men to do without sex with them. This is true subjugation.

Statistics back up the fact that 60% of women have their husbands on a starvation diet of sex once a week or less because this is what they prefer. Most women do not have as strong a libido as men.; That I realize is a gender stastement, but it is true like it or not. There are of course exceptioins to the rule where the woman has the higher libido, but I am talking about nationwide averages here and it is my job to try and help couples get along better. You would do weel to stop the ad hominem attacks on me and listen to the problems that I try to help people resolve.

As to femspotter’s demand for absolute sovereignty, I also agree with that, women have it. There are very few husbands forcing their wives to have sex with them. There millions of women forcing their husbands to do without sex. Most women abuse their absolute soverignty is my point. To deny this is a farce.

21. marriagecoach1 - April 23, 2010

One last point, I have been fortunate to have women partners who always gave me all the sex that I wanted. I am not talking about me, I am talking about clients that I serve

22. femspotter - April 24, 2010

Would that I could unsubscribe to comments from this thread!

Mr. Macro has hijacked your thread, Summerspeaker. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t make idiotic claims such as “The sad fact is that men don’t force their wives to have sex with them, women force their men to do without sex with them.” So it is sad when men don’t rape their wives?

“There are very few husbands forcing their wives to have sex with them.” Where? On your block? It would be really nice to live in Macro’s world where men don’t force sex upon women. Sadly, I live on Planet Earth where statistics prove that they do. It would also be nice to live in his world where the worst crisis facing humanity is men complaining about not getting laid more than once a week. Sadly, I live on Planet Earth where women are raped, abused and have their genitals mutilated on a routine basis in some parts.

23. marriagecoach1 - April 24, 2010

Femspotter:

You make ridiculous generalized statements to a very specific claim that I made. I am not saying that men don’t rape women and yes in some parts of the world genital mutilation is a horrific reality. I did not make any claims along those lines nor do I dismiss that reality.

I am speaking about married couples which is the bulk of my work.
I don’t know of any guy complaining about gettitng laid once a day nord did I make any such statement.

The problem that most feminists have and most guys despise is that you speak so rudely and aggtressively to men for whom you have disagreements. It is if you are trying to punish a man for having an opinion. Your movement would have a whole lot more acceptance if you did not come off SO HOSTILE AND EXTEMELY AGGRESSIVE.

If you went to a counselor, he/she would teach you the diffenence between being aggressive and assertive. You have no more right to verbally assault me than I do to physically assault you. If you truly believed in equality, you would show respect for everyone while repsectfully disagreeing where you feel it is important. I have maintained an attitude of respect while disagreeing on here.

Feminists are known for being angry and extremely aggressive. People who have self confidence can quietly disagree without the hate speech you so freely engage in. By adopting this personna, you bring discredit upon your movement and are dismissed. You would win more followers with quiet educational statements instead of in your face fuck you attitudes.

The sad reality is that 60% of women have their men on a starvation diet of sex once a WEEK OR LESS routine

femspotter - April 24, 2010

It is pointless to engage you because you lump me in with a group of feminists who apparently offended you at some point in your life, beat your lone statistic like it’s a dead horse and bring nothing else to the table, and claim that I verbally assault you. Woe is you! You have no credibility and yet you continue to grandstand. Read back this thread. You have repeatedly made claims that, whether they want sex or not, women are to service their husbands. That is tantamount to rape, sir! (I wish I could keep you out of my in box without ignoring other comments.)

“I don’t know of any guy complaining about gettitng laid once a day nord did I make any such statement.” Read carefully. Nobody accused you of saying such a thing!

“I have maintained an attitude of respect while disagreeing on here.” Yet you have generalized my kind (feminists) and accused me of being rude and disrespectful to you. You have said feminists are a “problem,” even though I have explained to you our necessity. I do disrespect you NOW because I believe you are truly ignorant yet you keep writing. I don’t think you wield the word “starvation” correctly. To starve means to die from lack of sustenance. Men don’t die from lack of sex.

24. John Wilder - April 24, 2010

Here is an article and a web site written by a woman since you so obviously have such misandry and can’t stand a man’s opinion.

Best Wishes

Emotional Intelligence & Emotional Maturity
Youth Fades; Immaturity Lingers © Martyn Carruthers
Would you like to benefit from our experience?

Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions? Do you suffer from old trauma? Do you suffer from your parents’ drama, your partner’s demands, your boss’s moods? Do you want to untangle your life … or help other people reclaim their freedom?

Are you Mature?
Your emotional intelligence, together with your intellectual intelligence and relationship intelligence, comprise essential parts of your life. an you assess your emotional maturity and emotional freedom?

Your every relationship is a hologram of your life. You can mask but not hide your self-awareness, your maturity, your self-control, your commitment and your integrity. In every relationship you will show how well you listen, communicate, initiate change, follow through and solve problems. In every relationship you proclaim your emotional intelligence. Emotional immaturity indicates past abuse or trauma.

Relationships expose your maturity
In every relationship action, you expose your life values and emotional intelligence. In every relationship decision, you express your communication skills, your commitment and your integrity. You cannot hide your maturity – or lack of it – for long.

Your maturity predicts your ability to monitor and manage your emotions, to assess the emotional state of others and to influence their opinions and behavior. Your emotional intelligence and emotional maturity seem to be most profoundly influenced by your relationship history and your trauma history.

What are Emotions?
Many psychological definitions of emotions seem devoid of the humanity of those people who value their emotions. Such definitions are often lists of abstractions …

Plutchik
An emotion is a patterned bodily reaction of either protection, destruction, reproduction, deprivation, incorporation, rejection, exploration or orientation, or some combination of these, which is brought about by a stimulus. (Feelings & Emotions 1970)

Other definitions focus on the experience of being human.

Carruthers
Emotions are sensory experiences that communicate across relationship systems. They can be distorted or dissociated according to values and beliefs. Emotions provide motivation and inspiration to retreat … or to excel (Systemic Coach manual)

Are you Emotionally Mature?
If you avoid your emotions, you may act reserved, dissociated or robot-like. If you feel but avoid expressing your emotions, you may falsify your relationships, undermine your health and delay your development. Immaturity is associated with impulsive emotions – often following child abuse and emotional incest.

You can easily estimate your emotional intelligence:

Do you listen to other people’s ideas?
Do you cope with unexpected change?
Do you express your feelings appropriately?
Do you recognize your feelings as they occur?
Do you manage strong emotions and impulses?
Do you act intelligently when you are under stress?
Do you take responsibility for your actions and behavior?
Any “No” may indicate part of your life where you may be emotionally immature, although many people will answer “Not really” to question 6. If your stress is high enough to cause you to age-regress (whatever the cause), you may feel and act childishly or even infantile for a time, before recovering balance and sobriety. During this time, immature behavior is more likely.

If you are still responding to stress, unassimilated trauma or relationship disappointments from your childhood, you may occasionally act out your trauma – usually triggered by some reminder or transference. We help people manage strong or chronic emotions (without drugs).

Emotional Intelligence & Relationships
Your emotional maturity will be most apparent in your relationship behavior. Do you:

build and maintain friendships?
teamwork toward shared goals?
cooperate with your community?
clarify mistakes and wrong assumptions?
inspire your family and lead other people?
share responsibility for children and projects?
provide balance or justice when things go wrong?
communicate appropriately? (for the relationship type)
We help motivated adults develop their emotional maturity by clarifying difficult relationships and resolving the cause of emotional outbursts.

Youth Fades … Immaturity Lingers
Children, teenagers and some adults may need protection from childish emotions, immature behavior and impulsive decisions. We help motivated people who complain of:

1. Self-Centered
You are egocentric and selfish. You have little regard for others and you are preoccupied with your own ideas, feelings and symptoms. You deeply believe that you are somehow special. You demand constant attention, respect and sympathy (see emotional incest)

2. Uncontrolled Emotions
You express yourself in temper tantrums, prolonged pouts and rapidly changing moods. You get frustrated easily, and you over-react to perceived criticism (see relationship abuse)

3. Gratification
You want it all now. Your behavior may be superficial, thoughtless and impulsive. Your loyalty lasts only as long as a relationship seems useful. You have chaotic finances (see trauma)

4. Dependent
You are indecisive, easily influenced and you avoid responsibility for your actions. You stay in unpleasant relationships to avoid change (see passive aggressive)

Do you want to change immature behavior? Or do you prefer to continue as you are?

Emotional Intelligence & Communication
Does your emotional intelligence may change dramatically when you feel strong emotions? Do you, for example, find yourself behaving like a young child when you feel abandoned or betrayed? Left unresolved, the consequences of emotional suppression or dissociation may be disease. Typical consequences include high blood pressure, colitis, ulcers and chronic fatigue.

What do you do after you feel provoked to express your emotions? How old do you feel and act when you express strong anger, sadness or fear? How far do you age-regress? Do you:

Express your emotions without conscious control (like a young child)?
Suppress your emotionally driven behavior (like a pre-teen)?
Repress or dissociate your emotional experience (like a teenager)?
Accept, acknowledge and express your emotions (like a mature adult)?
We help people express emotions appropriately.

Emotional Intelligence & Trust
Rapport is often used to describe compliance, in which an abuser tries to influence your decisions, with sales pitches, confusing rhetoric or hypnotic language. They may say, “It’s for your own good”.

Abusive Relationships . Provocative Coaching . More on Maturity

Can people trust you with sensitive personal information? They may have trusted others and later felt betrayed or abused. Trust helps people get on with their lives, and seems essential for innovation and creativity. Trust can take years to build and seconds to destroy. The consequences of abused trust can cause lasting damage to a friendship, family, organization or government.

Trustworthiness is an essential part of emotional maturity. If people do not trust you, you may find yourself justifying every detail of every decision you make. And remember that not everybody is as mature as you. Be cautious about who you trust with important, confidential or personal information.

Emotional Intelligence & Leadership
Leadership is much more than a desire to delegate tasks. If your confidence helps orient people, and if your decisions are beneficial, and if you communicate your confidence and decisions well – people will respect you. We can coach you to be a true leader as you develop your leadership skills. For example, do you:

set an example?
communicate a clear visions
transfer responsibility to workers?
challenge people to continually learn?
develop individual capability and competence?
clearly describe your goals of quality performance?

Jan Sikorski - November 8, 2010

You seem to like Martyn’s article so much that you post it without his permission. Plagiarism is theft.

25. John Wilder - April 24, 2010

Die is a euphemism. People can emotionally die inside as well as the relationship can die. Men can and do masturbate to relieve tension. As to women servicing their husbands I also take on men equally for not serivicing a higher libido on the part of the wife. I believge in equality. Sex is an essential part of marriage for both parties. I am not nearly the misogynist that you make me out to be.

I excoriate men for not being better lovers to their wives.

As to the once a day, I stand corrected, I could have sworn that in a previous post you said once a day, reading back I see that you said once a week.

As to sexual frequency, men have been complaining about it for years for as long as I can remember it has been a recurring theme on Ann Landers and Dear Abby as well as women’s magazines. You continue to obfuscate the issue, why?

You are similar to every other feminst that I have met with one exception. There is another feminist that I respect on here with the blog thinkingtoohard13. I respect her, even though we don’t agree on everything and validates points that I make. We communicate with mutual respect. We disagtree with respect.

Whether you realize it or not, respect is man’s number one need.

I had stopped commenting on your blog until someone decided to take yet another pot shot at me.

How about communicating with a man that you disagtree with without the verbal bashing. For a man, it is equivalent to getting punched in the face. Like I said, you have no more right to verbally assault me than I do to physically assault you.

It is like you are adopting everything that is bad in men and using them as weapons or like you are tyring to compete with the bad men of the world and show them you are better at being bad than they are. According to the above article, you are clearly emotionally immauture. This is fixable should you choose to do so. You would gain more followers should you chooose to do so. To not do so relegates you to the angry feminist fringe.

26. John Wilder - April 24, 2010

By the way, accoriding to a poll conducted by the site Democratic Undeerground the statistic of women in this country who describe themselves as feminsts is 29%, clearly not the majority that you infer.

27. John Wilder - April 24, 2010

Post feminists decry the misandry exhibited by feminists and notes that the misandry causes a a backlash towards women. I for one equate misandry to be every bit as unwholesome and destructive as misogyny.

28. femspotter - April 24, 2010

Wow! (femspotter shakes her head)

First of all, Summerspeaker is the author of this post. I am femspotter. You might remember me from earlier in the thread when I told you about my husband: “I’m a feminist, I love sex with men, I love sex with my husband, neither he nor I are “starving” from lack of sex, and I wish the same for others.”

I do not hate men. I “can’t stand” you. It’s personal.

I never claimed that feminism is a majority amongst women, American or otherwise. Check your accusations.

This is not your blog, so unless you have something else to add besides your loathing of the feminist collective and your 60% starvation statistic, kindly move along. Thank you.

29. marriagecoach1 - April 24, 2010

Because there was a time between posts, I got confused. It is also confusing when I get multiple pronged attacks from different people. I had moved along and had stopped commenting on the post when someone else took another pot shot at me. I will make everyone a deal, leave me alone and stop bashing me and I will gladly move along. I also am on a lot of of other posts as others comment on mine. So forgive my confusion.

30. femspotter - August 4, 2010

Along the same lines:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/03/negotiated.infidelity/index.html?hpt=C2

It’s interesting that this woman seems to agree with the whole men-should-be-allowed-to-cheat-if-women-deny-sex idea. (No, marriagecoach1, this is not an invitation for you to repeat, yet again, your one statistic about sexual “starvation.”) The article states:
“Hill says, that of course it’s every woman’s right to refuse to have sex when she’s not in the mood or has a headache. However, expecting men to cope on their own with no outlet whatsoever is shortsighted and cruel, says Hill.”

Now, I would not call this woman a feminist. Ideas? What does “no outlet whatsoever” mean? What, for instance, do single men do to satisfy their sexual cravings?

31. marriagecoach1 - August 4, 2010

Yea, I am done. You refuse to grant me one point. I have conceded multiple points on here and not one of you feminists have conceded one point. Like I said you want absolute dominance. Character is defined as showing respect for opinions for which you disagree with and stating your disagreement with assertiveness rather than attacks. Attacks wins over no one. I close with a chapter excerpt from my book on how to resolve conflict peacefully. I can’t wait to see how you bash this.

RESOLVING CONFLICT PEACEFULLY
Fighting comes naturally, peacefully resolving conflict does not. I am sure that you can remember all too well fights that you have had in your own relationship. The problem with fighting is that no one wants to “lose” the fight so we lock into combat that almost always escalates into dysfunction. That dysfunction can be screaming, throwing things, cursing and/or hitting a spouse.

To avoid those problems and dysfunction, I have listed some techniques that are guaranteed to work if you will use them. I tell my clients that they both need to agree to change their ways. They also need to forgive each other and enact the old familiar slogan from the playground: A DO OVER. Admit that you have both made mistakes and that as a couple you want a do over and agree to rules that I have listed for peacefully resolving the conflict. A great idea is to adopt the physician’s vow about dealing with your conflicts; “ First, do no harm.”

When a spouse is angry with you, the first rule is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. I know that it is hard to do. You need to let them get out everything that bothers them before you counter their arguments. Once they are done, ask to repeat back what they said so that you and the spouse are sure that you understand the problem. Then ask: “In what way can we resolve this problem”? This goes a long way to resolving the problem. Calmly discuss solutions. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1

AGREE TO DISAGREE

Too many times people are locked into winning. The problem with winning is that there is also a loser who will feel humiliated.
Better to “agree to disagree”. In this way, neither party feels like they have “lost” the argument.
FLIPPING A COIN
If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs
Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree in advance that this will settle the issue, and then stick to it.
NEGOTIATING CONFLICT
When you are in a discussion where you both have a point of view that you feel strongly about, there is another alternative. You can agree to negotiate the argument for a peaceful settlement. You can do this by adopting a 10 scale. You each assign a numerical value form 1-10 depending on how firmly you believe your side is worth. You have to give an honest evaluation. Using a 10 where there is absolutely no room for negotiation, to a 1 scale where you could go either way. Come up with a legitimate number to assess your position. Suppose your
spouse is at a 7 and you are at a 4 then you agree to give in to the spouse’s 7 to make for a peaceful resolution.
SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE
Another good way to resolve the argument is to simply compromise half way between the two points of view. Both parties feel like they got something and don’t feel humiliated.
The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting
1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.
2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.
3. Don’t curse at or call your spouse names, it is abusive.
4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.
5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.
6. Do not scream at your spouse it is abusive.
7. Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.
8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.
9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?
10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.
Remember, your job as a spouse is to nurture your spouse. You can’t do that when you are being self centered. According to Dr. Laura Schlesinger, self centeredness is a leading cause of divorce. You also don’t nurture your spouse when you attempt to bully them in an argument instead of peacefully resolving the conflict while respecting them and their feelings.

femspotter - August 4, 2010

What? That is in no way relevant to what I just posted.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: